Tricks that old racers get up to after retirement

[jackiewilson]

Right, I tell you now, in all honesty————when and if, your wife ever breaks a leg, for God’s sake, not under any circumstances, allow her to come home with a cripple cart or a Zimmer frame! Should have told the ambulance driver to drop her off at Lands End—- or the outer Hebrides.
Jilly has a pain threshold of, on a scale of 1—-10, 157. She dumps all the pain onto me.
48 hours on and I still haven’t had five minutes to myself————the dot-dot is out of bounds.
If she had a private nurse or a care taker they would have been out of here after two hours, wild horses and £500 an hour would not have kept them !
Tried to buy myself a couple of hours at the local clock shop——— he was sold out. Went on line but I couldn’t buy even ten minutes——-At any price ! Seems your allowance of 24 hours a day is all you get and should be enough——— trouble is, nobody told her majesty!
Was nowhere near this tired after the Paris Six Hours or the Parker Seven.
Am seriously looking to trade her in for a newer model.
She herself is sound asleep———- it won’t last———if you don’t hear from me ,not to worry, I’m otherwise engaged!

[Bob V]

--if you don’t hear from me ,not to worry, I’m otherwise engaged!

Glad to hear that you are OK. When you failed to post yesterday, I was afraid that perhaps you had gotten pinned under the cripple crapper....

[jackiewilson]

Glad to hear that you are OK. When you failed to post yesterday, I was afraid that perhaps you had gotten pinned under the cripple crapper....

Her Royal Highness Decided that using the cripple crapper was beneath her, (so to speak)———— flat refused to discuss the activity———-it goes back to the hospital———- brand new and untouched by human hand !
comes a time in every mans life when there’s only one thing that will do the job. That time came yesterday around 7:00pm.
Most of you will have heard of “ROTORY JOHN” SHELDON—————(think he had something to do with a particular thorn in Mercury’s flank———-the Wankel)——-to cut to the chase, I made him a concept of a Johnson Rotory, he asked me how much I wanted for it? ——I told him he didn’t have enough money to buy it ! And so it went on ———- about a month ago, I received a very exotic parcel delivered by FedEx. Upon opening the said parcel, I was amazed and delighted to find a bottle of Delmore fifteen year old single malt whiskey.
I had decided to open it at Christmas——but yesterday, there were “Mitigating Circumstances”———-nothing else could have done the trick,
Johnno, I have to tell you, swear to God on a stack of bibles, and My sainted mothers life———the nectar I savoured out of the bottle with the silver stags head, was far and away, the best, and most exciting malt that ever crossed my lips———- and there’s been quite a few, including a tour of the Scottish highlands distilleries!
It was there when I needed it most———-thank you Johnno.

[jackiewilson]

Never realised what a great troublefree and uncomplicated existence I had until somebody pissed all over it from a dizzy height in the summer of 2017.
I was as content as a chimp in a banana tree——— living in my own little cocoon, sheltered from the realities of life, trundling along in the Rolls Canardly in great comfort and style——-with a touch of “Panache” chucked in for good measure. Really thought I was strolling down the Ritz Road to retirement ————always had the shop if I got bored, nice garden with loungers and a Sunbrella——— Lexus to take me to wherever. Decent wine cellar and the greatest comfort of all—— her indoors——- her majesty——— the kitchen goddess———her who shall be obeyed at all times———- if I’m honest, she’s my greatest possession. Knock her out of the equation and the status quo gets completely out of kilter !

[Rotary John]

I figured the stress of taking care of an ailing wife and being housfrau all at the same time would cause the temptation to become irresistible. What the hell; Christmas is only a few days away anyway. Glad you enjoyed it. It appears to be a dark Scotch as opposed to a light like Ballantine.

[jackiewilson]

I figured the stress of taking care of an ailing wife and being housfrau all at the same time would cause the temptation to become irresistible. What the hell; Christmas is only a few days away anyway. Glad you enjoyed it. It appears to be a dark Scotch as opposed to a light like Ballantine.

NO,NO,NO Johnno———you cannot say it’s a dark scotch as opposed to alight like “Ballantine” which is a cooking whusky.
Its like comparing a brass farthing to a Roman Eagle or a Spanish Dabloon or a Victorian Sovereign.

You caress the bottle —— which in itself is the work of a Scottish “Artiste”——— gaze in wonderment at the magnificent head of silver horns adorning the beast known as the monarch of the glen.
Gently remove the lead seal and discard, before softly turning the cork stopper, allowing the gentle taste bud teasing aromas to infuse the senses with the ancient craft of one of the finest distillers ever known on earth.
Savour the tantalising mystical scents that invade the mind and body——— herbs, spices, fruit and long forgotten flavours blend perfectly with the smoke, peat and oak, a hint of orange and maybe mint or rosemary, is that cocoa or chocolate that’s drifting about in there ——-
Then there’s the colour, where did that come from, was it the casks from Portugal that held port for twenty years? Or the French oak Brandy barrels ? Imagine the deepest golden brown of a 500 year old piece of furniture that was polished every day until you can see through the patina and you’re beginning to understand what you are holding?
Many years ago my friend Runo Cronström (an Admiral in the Swedish Navy), presented me with a pair of the most wonderful Swedish crystal whiskey glasses I have ever seen———— perfect companion for a perfect appellation.
No, tonight I did not allow myself to indulge in this most treasured brew.
Tomorrow maybe a different story——- one things for sure, It’s just for me !

[Rotary John]

ENJOY. My only regret is I can't sit there with you and share our lies.

[jackiewilson]

ENJOY. My only regret is I can't sit there with you and share our lies.

One day my friend ! I have made it clear that come hell or high water I shall be attending the 2018 November OFF meeting——— wherever it’s held. As you so rightly say, we shall see who claims the title, powerboatings greatest liar ?

[jackiewilson]

Mornings are the worst when you got an angry female with a zimmer, hell bent on taking a shower in my cubicle—— because it’s better than the one she has in the bath. First thing is to alter the settings as it’s far too hot and she can’t understand why I use that temperature in the first place . Then it’s take the showerhead and rinse my back———make sure there’s no soap left——- dry my back——— you can stop that——- I can reach there myself .
Was a time when she enjoyed that sort of thing——-before she became EVA BRAUN.
Hospital visit this afternoon ———— with a bit of luck, they’ll keep her in for observation?

[FUJIMO]

mornings are the worst when you got an angry female with a zimmer, hell bent on taking a shower in my cubicle—— because it’s better than the one she has in the bath. First thing is to alter the settings as it’s far too hot and she can’t understand why i use that temperature in the first place . Then it’s take the showerhead and rinse my back———make sure there’s no soap left——- dry my back——— you can stop that——- i can reach there myself .
Was a time when she enjoyed that sort of thing——-before she became eva braun.
Hospital visit this afternoon ———— with a bit of luck, they’ll keep her in for observation?

...lol...

[ron54]

[QUOTE=jackiewilson;3005972]Mornings are the worst when you got an angry female with a zimmer, hell bent on taking a shower in my cubicle—— because it’s better than the one she has in the bath. First thing is to alter the settings as it’s far too hot and she can’t understand why I use that temperature in the first place . Then it’s take the showerhead and rinse my back———make sure there’s no soap left——- dry my back——— you can stop that——- I can reach there myself .
Was a time when she enjoyed that sort of thing——-before she became EVA BRAUN.
Hospital visit this afternoon ———— with a bit of luck, they’ll keep her in for observation?[/QUOTE


The worst maybe yet to come...........wait till she starts saying " STOP LOOKING" then you'll have to do it with your peepers closed...

[jackiewilson]

Yes!!! The zimmers gone and been replaced by a pair of cripple sticks———— The zimmer racer had her first afternoon in physio——— shouldn’t be long before the pair of sticks are replaced by a single broomstick.

[Bob V]

I am sure that a solitary day in the shop is looking pretty good right about now...

[jackiewilson]

I am sure that a solitary day in the shop is looking pretty good right about now...

Now that rings a bell of something that happened in my previous life———round about the time I was happy ? Was that really so long ago?

[jackiewilson]

Saturday !!!——— the weekend——- car boot sale, forage at the scrap yard——- bit of rugby on the Telly——- Final Score———- maybe a car race! It all used to happen on a Saturday,——— hell of a job to fit a Saturday in these days, —— what with the shop and my concepts. Wonder where that went?
Never enough time to fit all the happenings in——— no wonder I was NEVER Poorlie——— couldn’t find the time, my life was too ful of otherstuff. Don’t even have time to chuck insults at that Squirt Serra or get on line with the old farts and swop “fact and fiction” stories any more.
Never even looked in the shop once this week——- maybe next week.