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As I have stated before I love a stupid joke. This from my 90 year old dad.
Turtle is walking down the road when he is mugged by a bunch of snails. Police are called and the investigator asks what happened. Turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Rock
Actually spit my coffee.. lol
I have a dirty joke of the same ilk;
A white horse fell in the mud
/end
A man went to Hell..... satan....says.....ya got choices......open one door....peps standing on wood floor...... on there...heads...next door.....on there heads brick......naaa.........next door...sippn' coffi in muck.....He says ok...... satan says..OK.... coffi break over back on ya heads .....needeep......He is the master of the Lie
Wow. Grammar is not your strong point. I had to read this 10 times before I got the joke haha. But that's a good one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave S
I faed engish......
I like a good groaner joke too.
Does some know how to get rid of excess ear wax?
If so, give me a HOLLAR!!! :D
What did Ilam Omar's husband say when he found out she was cheating on him?
"I'm telling Mom!!!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forkin' Crazy
Reminds me of a great movie...
What color were Jessi Combs eyes?
Blue. One blue this way, one blue that way.
OH, that's bad^
It's funny cause it's true. Most of it anyways.
Truth =funny?Not the least bit funny to me...
What's the best part of a pregnancy joke?
The delivery.
My parents said the world doesn't revolve around me...
But I’m their son.
What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?Quote:
Originally Posted by Forkin' Crazy
You can unscrew a light bulb.
*Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven
Well, then just be all butt hurt and stuff. I find humor in all of life's follies. Sometimes not in the present, but eventually I laugh.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Carson's Marine
You do realize that this "highly respected" television mechanic knew there were problems with the car, and decided not only to run it, but attempt a record breaking land speed run? How could that go wrong? The theories of which some brains do ponder.
So yeah, condolences to the family, and RIP. but..................................
My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow
When I asked him how he did it, he said:
“I went straight for the juggler”
Well,seeing as how you have more likes than posts,I guess I'm missing something.Not to worry,not all butt hurt and stuff,but I have dealt with a couple things hard work and money couldn't fix,and I still don't laugh about them...And,if your kid dies in a head-on crash there can be a joke you'll a laugh out of..."What's the last thing that went through Little Minnow's mind when he hit the Mack truck grill...you know the rest...Quote:
Originally Posted by SS Minnow
Quoting a member from some time back, " like a pigeon strutting and crapping all over a chessboard" One of the best one liners I've read here.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her: “First offender?” She replies: “No. First a Gibson, then a Fender.”
If it were my kid that died, I am sure life would never be the same. Have heard that from too many that have lost one. And no, I would never be able to laugh about it. But, this was not my kid, or any relative, or friend of friends kind of stuff. And, it was a celebrity. Makes them prone to all kind of comment, criticism, and sarcasm.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Carson's Marine
That joke, blue eyes, originated from the Challenger Shuttle blowing up. I believe the woman astronauts name was Sally Ride. Same joke, what color were her eyes? Yada yada, and our teacher heard us laughing, it was a a few weeks after it had happened. Asked what was so funny, somebody told her, we were all made to write a letter of apology to the teacher, by the teacher because she was actually on a short list to be the first woman on the shuttle. And, this is the good part, our parents, not just parent, had to sign it. (Was rare to be a single parent family back then) My dad got home from work that afternoon and I told him what happened, he laughed and asked me for a piece of paper. He signed the piece of paper along with his day time phone number and stated that no apology was either necessary or would be given. And if that were a problem, what time was best for a meeting with her (the teacher) and the principle.
I laugh where I can. This was one of those incidents. Be offended, or upset if you will. I will still laugh. That's me.
Not Sally Ride, tho she was the first American woman in space, died of cancer..... And right or wrong I'da still got my azz beat.
Yeah, I kind of remember it not being her, but the joke was about the woman on the Challenger. The teacher was on the list to be the first woman, and did not make it. If she were to tell us a joke like that were in bad taste, or she did not like it is one thing. But to demand an apology because of it? She had a right to be offended, but make somebody apologize because they were offended? Wrong. Look where we are at today, people demanding apologies or people be fired or worse because of something that happened years ago? How is that working out, by the way?Quote:
Originally Posted by 1954bmw
My dad was very fair. Certain things were off limits, of course, but he also did not let some teacher with an overly emotional reaction push me around. He wanted me to know that there were times to stand up for myself and he felt this were one of them. Punish a kid for how they react to a joke? Grow a pair. (Not referring to you)
I had some bad teachers coming up through school and my dad was able to recognize it. He made the point that I would have to deal with it, just as one day I would have to deal with a bad boss or co-worker too. But that did not mean I had to or take any crap from them, especially when they were wrong. And he was right. I work for one of the biggest asses in the world and everyone that works for him would tell you the same thing. (Self employed) But everyday I go into work and deal with it.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
OK, just one more thing to piss off the beta's, again:
What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes?
You already told her twice, stop wasting your breath.
And before the betas chime in, oh forget it, never mind.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
That really sucks......Most of the people on this site, me included, couldn't carry her helmet bag.Quote:
Originally Posted by SS Minnow
Take it for what it is worth.
Most of the people on this site could not carry her helmet bag? Please. You underestimate the people on this site.
No, I just recognize her talents and abilities, and I find it distasteful to make fun of someone's death in a venue such as we have.
Has everyone got over their butt hurt yet (that is not a joke but this is):
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...
It scared the hell out of me, so today I’ve decided never to read it again.
Went to the Dr yesterday.....told the receptionist I think I'm Invisible.... she went into the Dr's office for a minute & came out and said "The Dr can't see you right now......
My friend is in hospital today after seriously burning himself due to his obsession with taking selfies by a boiling kettle!
The doctors believe he has serious selfie steam issues!
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked if we know any french.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.
the pastor and the nun were standing outside the church doors when a flamed hot rod full of teenage boys and girls went speeding past.... throwing beer cans, bottles and cigerettes out the windows.....as the pastor watched in horror he yelled...."stop ye sinners!...the end is near!!..stop go no further!!!!...turn your evil ways around!!!!" As they sped by flipping the bird the pastor and nun looked at each other ...then came a very loud crash.... and then a splash !!! he then turned around to the nun and said..."ya think i should have just yelled..."!! the fxxkin bridge is fxxkin out !!"
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My wife screeched, "You haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...