Boy goes up to grandpa and asks "what is the quickest way to get to the beach" grandpa asks "you driving or walking?" the boy replies "were driving". garndpa says "that's the quickest way."
Rock
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Boy goes up to grandpa and asks "what is the quickest way to get to the beach" grandpa asks "you driving or walking?" the boy replies "were driving". garndpa says "that's the quickest way."
Rock
Did you guys know I had my penis in the Guinness Book of World Records?
Then the librarian came over and told me to leave
I just hope that when it’s my time to die, it will be in my sleep, like my dear old Grandpa did
Not screaming and terrified like the people in the car he was driving
Do this good ol’ boy is at the saloon bragging about what a great hunter he is
So great in fact that he can name the animal and weapon used to kill it
BS! his friends cried
If you can do that, drinks are on the house!
So they blind fold him
First up - “Squirrel- shot with a .22”
He gets it right!
Second - “rabbit - .410 shot gun”
Again he’s right!
Last up - “Buck - 30.06”
Hooray! Three in a row!
He’s drinking all night for Free!
He staggers home, passes out in bed
Next morning he
wakes up, he’s all F’d up
Face scratched, black eye, etc.
He asks his wife- “Darlin’ I know I was trashed last night, but I don’t remember gettin’ in no fight?”
she says “ You SOB, you don’t remember? You came
home all hot & horny. We start foolin’ around. Next thing I know you got your hand down my panties and say-
“Skunk - hit with an axe!”
Man walking down the street sees a Help Wanted sign in a shop window. He runs across the street goes inside and says "What's wrong?
Rock
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
My next door neighbor came over this morning wearing nothing but a see thru nighty
Asked to borrow a cup of sugar
Then winked at me and asked me over for a cup
of coffee
I said “F off, Dave!”
I just thought you would enjoy a good cup of coffee. Now you want to turn me wearing a see through nighty into something weird. :leaving::p;)Quote:
Originally Posted by doug7488
:cheers:
You guys scare me sometimes.
Rock
Do trees poop �� in the woods?
Of course they do, that's where No.2 pencils come from!
California cops tell it like it is.:p
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/C5ghU_8d8xI
The black sheep joke has been a favorite of my wife and I for a long time.
An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."
The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyway."
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.
Deer balls are the least expensive meat in the world........
They're under a buck.
I'll see myself out!
Thot it was "What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts............ deer nuts are under a buck"
Q: What do you call all of the extra useless skin around a woman's vagina?
A: The rest of her.
She's not wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by Forkin' Crazy
Went to the diner last night
I noticed the waitress had a black eye
So when I ordered, I did very slowly and clearly because it was obvious she didn’t listen
Is that a she?Quote:
Originally Posted by CDave
So I am reading the remarks on the story about a killer whale autopsy done on a killer whale that washed up dead on a Florida beach when I read this remark.
The experts from Sea World also found no gap in its two front teeth and immediately ruled out it was Stacy Abrams.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV stopped working?
You'd bang it a few times and it would work again?
Well I tried that with my dishwasher-
Unfortuntaly she turned up pregnant
These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
4. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you."
5. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
6. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
7. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
9. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
10. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
11. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
12. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
13. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
14. "You say you thought we didn't give tickets to pretty women? That's actually true. Now, sign here."
Last one's the best.
Rock
I went to visit a buddy at the hospital today
It wasn’t long before i was asked to leave
Apparently the “Stroke Patients Here” sign doesn’t mean what I thought it did
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels!
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.
So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
HaaaaHaaaa........got ya .......
https://www.ebay.com/itm/26577129119...Bk9SR66wl-LLYQ
NO i am not.... on drugs....:cheers:........Cool car..........The joker.....:cool:....
https://www.ebay.com/itm/26577129119...Bk9SR66wl-LLYQ
What motor? I know some of those AMC motors you cannot get parts for. I guess if you pockets are deep enough you have parts made or repower.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave S
Gotta be on drugs to own a 74 matador and thinks it's a muscle car.hahaha
Q: What is the wettest animal?
A: Reindeer
this one worked well for me...
I was asking my girl about the holidays and asked her... if your left leg was thanksgiving...and your right leg is christmas...can i visit you inbetween the holidays...she always says yes...
Q: What does a cow use to do math?
A: A cow-culator.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course! Buildings can’t jump, silly.
Q: What do you call a kangaroo’s lazy joey?
A: A pouch potato.
Q: What did the photon say when asked if she needed to check a bag?
A: “No thanks, I’m traveling light!”:p
guy gets pulled over for speeding,cop says I've been waiting for you all day.......
guy says I got here as fast as I could.................
2 buddys work in the morgue
The one runs over to the next-
Youll never believe this! The woman on that table has a shrimp sticking out of her vagina!
No way! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Come see for yourself!
That not a shrimp you A-hole, that’s her clit!
Well, it tasted like a shrimp!
:eek:
So the other day this attractive girl asks me if I prefer breasts or thighs
I tell her I’m mostly into feet and anal
Anyway, I’m now banned from KFC
might not have understood
see what ya started Doug