Hu's On First

[gaineso]

I Thought this was hilarious, even though I'm a big George fan.

HU'S ON FIRST

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[TTriton]

copied from this URL

http://www.bobpayne.com/Woo's%20on%20First.htm



To the outside observer, President Bush may have appeared to have handled his meetings in his recent trip to Japan, South Korea and China flawlessly. However, it can now be said: A great deal of preparation was necessary to pull this off. For one thing, the President had some difficulties focusing on all the strange names he would be encountering.

Here’s a blow-by-blow of the first briefing between him and Condoleeza Rice, the National Security Advisor, to prepare for the trip:

Rice: Mr. President, I need to brief you on some of the key meetings on the trip. I thought we would start by identifying the names of the principal people you will be meeting.

Bush: Good, Condi. Just be easy on me. You know how I struggle with foreign names.

Rice: Yes, sir. In the meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, you will be hearing a briefing from their Minister Inouye about the American troops stationing issues. Two days later our main focus will be on the meeting with South Korean President Kim Dae-Jung and their military chief, General Doh Noh. In China, you will be hearing a briefing from their Vice Chairman Hu on trade balance and World Trade Organization issues.

Bush: I’m sorry, Condi. Those names just flashed right by. I’m not even sure I heard the names in fact.

Rice (thinking): Mr. President, maybe there's an easy way to remember the order in which you’ll meet them. Inouye will be first, Doh Noh second and Hu will be up third.

Bush: Wait. Who’s first?

Rice: No sir. Hu’s up third.

Bush: That's that I want to find out. And who’s up second?

Rice (patiently): No, Hu’s up third.

Bush: I mean the fellow's name!

Rice: Yes.

Bush: The guy I meet second!

Rice: Doh Noh.

Bush: Why don't you? I thought you were trying to tell me who was up first.

Rice: No, I wasn’t. Hu is third.

Bush: I certainly don’t know!!

Rice: He is up second!

Bush: Who?

Rice: The other guy.

Bush: What other guy? The guy who’s up first?

Rice: No, Hu’s on third.

Bush: Now, suppose that I'm in this meeting. I’ve got to address him by his name of course. But I don’t know who’s the South Korean military Chief of Staff.

Rice: You’ve almost got it, Mr. President. Doh Noh is the military chief. Hu is the Chinese Vice Chairman.

Bush: "Don’t know," you say, is the military chief?

Rice: Now you understand.

Bush: I don't even know that I'm talkin' about!

Rice: Well, that's all you have to do.

Bush: Is to meet I don’t know who.

Rice: Not Hu. Doh Noh.

Bush: Don’t know?

Rice: Naturally!

Bush: Who’s the one?

Rice: No, Hu’s not the one. You’ve got to say, "Doh Noh."

Bush: I just go up to the top general of the South Korean military, who looks up to us for their very survival. You want me to say, "Minister, don’t know I’m pleased to meet you?"

Rice: Naturally!

Bush: He will won’t be offended? He won’t think I’m a few bamboo shoots shy of a thatched roof?

Rice: Not at all. He’ll be flattered, just like you sometimes are.

Bush (retaining control): Condi, are you taping this conversation for some reason?

Rice: No, sir. It may not be something we want to keep for your Presidential Library.

Bush: So, then who’s the one I’m meeting in Korea?

Rice: Doh Noh. I'm telling you he is up second.

Bush: You’re telling me but you don’t know?

Rice: I do know! Doh Noh.

Bush: What?

Rice: That’s the next trip, the ruins in Thailand.

Bush: Condi, have you been sippin’ somethin’ this mornin’?

Rice (thinking that might be a very good idea): No, sir. Now, of course we are considering signing the trade agreement at this meeting in China.

Bush: Who signs the contract for China?

Rice: Absolutely. Very good!

Bush (slowly touching Rice on the shoulder): Wait! We need to make sure the right man gets credit for this to influence future events. Who gets the credit for this in China?

Rice: All of it. Why not? The man’s entitled to it.

Bush: Who is?

Rice: Yes. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if his assistant minister doesn’t try to horn in on the glory.

Bush: Whose assistant?

Rice: Right.

Bush: Just so I’ve got this clear, my side meetings are first with the Japanese minister on stationing American troops, then the Korean defense chief on joint military defense, then the Chinese trade minister. But I’m still not clear on their names. The Japanese minister --

Rice: Inouye.

Bush: "Either way," nothin’. I need to know the man’s name. I think you’re sportin’ with me here. As for the Korean minister, your answer is --

Bush (simultaneously with Rice): DON’T KNOW.

Rice (simultaneously with Bush): DOH NOH.

Bush: Maybe we can take a break from this, Condi.

The National Security Advisor left the room and immediately was confronted by Secretary of State Colin Powell.

Powell: How did it go?

Rice (shaking her head): I don’t know. Frankly, it could go either way, depending on who’s up first.

Powell: Wait. Hu’s up third.

Rice: Try telling the President that.