Raceman
09-13-2002, 07:39 AM
>THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN FOOTBALL IN THE NORTH AND IN THE SOUTH - 2002.
> > >
> > >
> > >Women's Accessories:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
> > >
> > >a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary...that's what dates are for.
> > >
> > >
> > >Stadium Size:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: College football stadiums hold 30,000 people.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 30,000 people.
> > >
> > >
> > >Fathers:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand a high fade into the end
>zone.
> > >
> > >
> > >Campus Decor:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Statues of the founding fathers.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
> > >
> > >
> > >Homecoming Queen:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Also a physics major.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Also Miss America.
> > >
> > >
> > >Heroes:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Rudy Guliani and Ted Kennedy
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Bear Bryant and Shug Jordan
> > >
> > >
> > >Getting Tickets:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
> > >
> > >and purchase tickets.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: 7 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
> > >
> > >campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
> > >
> > >
> > >Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
>because
> > >
> > >they have classes on Friday.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see
>the
> > >
> > >few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
> > >
> > >
> > >Parking:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
> > >
> > >game parking.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
> > >
> > >the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Monday.
> > >
> > >
> > >Game Day:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Every student wakes up at 5am, has a beer for breakfast, and
>rushes
> > >
> > >over
> > >
> > >to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave
>to
> > >
> > >the idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast
>from
> > >
> > >their campus.
> > >
> > >
> > >Tailgating:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
> > >
> > >radio station in Daddy's Lexus.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
> > >
> > >accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews Band," who come over
> > >
> > >during breaks and hit off of the case of bourbon.
> > >
> > >
> > >Getting to the Stadium:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
>in.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
> > >
> > >state's third largest city.
> > >
> > >
> > >Concessions:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
> > >
> > >it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
>bourbon.
> > >
> > >
> > >When National Anthem is Played:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand
>up.
> > >
> > >Hillary Clinton sits down and chats up local feminists protesting Title
>IX.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: 108,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
> > >
> > >harmony with tears running down their cheeks thinking about the US
>soldiers,
> > >
> > >sailors, airmen, and Marines who can't be there to watch the game
>because
> > >
> > >they are fighting evil around the world to make us all safe.
> > >
> > >
> > >The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Nothing changes.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
> > >
> > >
> > >Commentary (Male):
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: "Nice play."
> > >
> > >SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
> > >
> > >
> > >Commentary (Female):
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
> > >
> > >SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
> > >
> > >
> > >Announcers:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Neutral and poorly paid.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
> > >
> > >tear in his eye.
> > >
> > >
> > >After the Game:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: The stadium is 3/4 empty way before the game ends.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to
> > >
> > >the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next
>week's
> > >
> > >game.
> > >
> > >
> > >Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the fun of
>being
> > >
> > >around Southern football!
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
> > >
> > >
> > >Women's Accessories:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
> > >
> > >a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary...that's what dates are for.
> > >
> > >
> > >Stadium Size:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: College football stadiums hold 30,000 people.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 30,000 people.
> > >
> > >
> > >Fathers:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand a high fade into the end
>zone.
> > >
> > >
> > >Campus Decor:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Statues of the founding fathers.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
> > >
> > >
> > >Homecoming Queen:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Also a physics major.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Also Miss America.
> > >
> > >
> > >Heroes:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Rudy Guliani and Ted Kennedy
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Bear Bryant and Shug Jordan
> > >
> > >
> > >Getting Tickets:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
> > >
> > >and purchase tickets.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: 7 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
> > >
> > >campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
> > >
> > >
> > >Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
>because
> > >
> > >they have classes on Friday.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see
>the
> > >
> > >few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
> > >
> > >
> > >Parking:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
> > >
> > >game parking.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
> > >
> > >the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Monday.
> > >
> > >
> > >Game Day:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Every student wakes up at 5am, has a beer for breakfast, and
>rushes
> > >
> > >over
> > >
> > >to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave
>to
> > >
> > >the idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast
>from
> > >
> > >their campus.
> > >
> > >
> > >Tailgating:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
> > >
> > >radio station in Daddy's Lexus.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
> > >
> > >accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews Band," who come over
> > >
> > >during breaks and hit off of the case of bourbon.
> > >
> > >
> > >Getting to the Stadium:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
>in.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
> > >
> > >state's third largest city.
> > >
> > >
> > >Concessions:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
> > >
> > >it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
>bourbon.
> > >
> > >
> > >When National Anthem is Played:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand
>up.
> > >
> > >Hillary Clinton sits down and chats up local feminists protesting Title
>IX.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: 108,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
> > >
> > >harmony with tears running down their cheeks thinking about the US
>soldiers,
> > >
> > >sailors, airmen, and Marines who can't be there to watch the game
>because
> > >
> > >they are fighting evil around the world to make us all safe.
> > >
> > >
> > >The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Nothing changes.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
> > >
> > >
> > >Commentary (Male):
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: "Nice play."
> > >
> > >SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
> > >
> > >
> > >Commentary (Female):
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
> > >
> > >SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
> > >
> > >
> > >Announcers:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: Neutral and poorly paid.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
> > >
> > >tear in his eye.
> > >
> > >
> > >After the Game:
> > >
> > >
> > >NORTH: The stadium is 3/4 empty way before the game ends.
> > >
> > >SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to
> > >
> > >the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next
>week's
> > >
> > >game.
> > >
> > >
> > >Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the fun of
>being
> > >
> > >around Southern football!
> >
> >
> >
> >
>